What if Your Childhood Gave You More Than Just Trauma?

There I was, walking my dog Maple, the leash looped around my wrist and my headphones tucked into my ears, listening to some gangster ass music like it was the most natural soundtrack for our little walk. Maple stopped to investigate something along the sidewalk, and I stood there waiting, silently mouthing every word. I had to laugh. I thought about how I’ve known these songs since I was a kid. I had absolutely no business knowing lyrics like this at such a young age but that made me stop and think about everything else that had stayed with me since I was a kid. Not the bad parts, the good parts.

We talk a lot about what our childhood did to us. The attachment styles, the fears, the habits we’re still trying to understand and heal from. All that childhood trauma, pouring into our adult lives. We look back for an explanation of why we love the way we do, why certain things hurt so much, or why we struggle to feel safe even when nothing seems to be wrong. I understand why we do that. There are things we carry into adulthood that we never should have been handed as children and I admit I carry some of those traumas still as an adult. Probably more than I should honestly. But out there on my walk, I thought about the good parts that I carried out of my childhood, because some of the things I love most about myself have roots in dark places but that’s what makes me, me.

I feel like I lived two separate lives as a child. The first was with my mom, around drugs, gangs, violence, bad neighborhoods, living in cars or run down motels. I roamed the streets and did what I wanted. At the time, that was simply my life. I learned that world and I carry that world with me today. I became street smart. I learned to pay attention to my surroundings and how people behaved. My older sister was involved with gangs and I looked up to her so I would hangout with her and these gang members. That’s where my love for West Coast hip hop came from. That’s where I learned their mentality that if you had “beef” aka a problem with someone you hash it out. If you ran from those problems you were considered a bitch. And I carry that same mentality now as an adult. We have a problem, you best believe I’m trying to work it out. But look at how I learned that. Not in a way most people would agree with but non the less, I learned how to communicate from gang members! And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

We were poor. Sometimes there wasn’t even food. I can’t even describe the feeling of waking up on Christmas Day with no gifts, nothing from Santa and sometimes not even knowing where my mom even was. I wouldn’t wish that on a child, and I don’t need to make it sound any more horrible and devastating to acknowledge how deeply it shaped my appreciation for what I have now. Having food in the kitchen means something to me. Having a roof over my head means something to me. I can enjoy beautiful things without forgetting that there was a time when the things I needed weren’t always there. I know some of my humility comes from remembering that, from knowing I have no reason to place myself above anyone else. And I’m thankful for those dark times as a kid because those experiences made me appreciate everything I have. I’m humble. I’m kind. I’m giving.

Another result of being poor, having little to nothing is where I gained my imagination from. I’d collect rocks, sticks, anything free from nature and that’s what I played with. My rocks turned into Barbie dolls. Sticks became my Legos. I still collect rocks. As I’m writing this maybe that’s why, as an adult, I love nature so much too. I lived in a world that I created and I loved it there. Away from the poverty, the drugs and my fears. It was alway safe in that world I imagined and I visit that same world quite frequently as an adult. I love that I have a wildly active and imaginative imagination. I’m a little weird yes, but it’s one of my favorite qualities about myself.

When I moved in with my dad at eleven, everything changed. My dad and stepmom were strict, and suddenly the freedom I’d been used to was replaced by rules and expectations. It was a completely different life, and it came with its own problems. I had to adjust to a household that worked very differently from the one I knew and a lot of resentment from my stepmom for coming into their lives unexpectedly. But I was also grateful to be there. I knew what it was like to live without that kind of structure, and I didn’t take the change for granted.

I wanted to be a good kid, and I understood that being in his home meant there were boundaries I was expected to follow. That’s where I learned respect. I’m sure there were things I couldn’t fully understand or appreciate at eleven, but I knew my life had changed, and I was thankful I wasn’t still out roaming the streets.

During those years, I found another world to disappear into: music and art. Music was a huge part of my life from living with my mom and I carried that into when I lived with my dad too. I always had my Sony Walkman on me at all times! Music was, and still is my escape. When I started living with my dad there was so much I wanted to try that I was never able to before while living with my mom. I wanted to try everything. I learned to sew, draw, paint, write, and I loved photography. Creativity became somewhere I could go with whatever I was feeling, even when I didn’t know how to explain it to anyone.

I also loved learning. I became a bit of a nerd. I was in math club, which still makes me smile when I think about how different those two versions of my childhood must sound next to each other. But they were both mine. The girl who knew the streets and the girl who loved math weren’t separate people. Neither was the girl listening to hip hop and the girl learning how to sew. I didn’t leave one version of myself behind and become someone entirely new. I kept growing, bringing pieces of both lives with me which are still a huge part of who I am today. To this day, I love to learn new things! I went to college in my 30’s and my major was business administration. One of my favorite classes was business calculus! Shows you just how nerdy I really am and I would never change that. I’m a proud nerd.

And then there’s how I love. I know my heart is the way it is because of my childhood. I’m passionate, emotinal and intense. I love so hard. I wasn’t shown love really from either parent, and ya, it sucks that I didn’t get to experience that parental love, and I know I’m a little fucked up when it comes to relationships because of that, but I don’t focus on those parts, I always try to see the good. I mean, maybe I could use some therapy but it is what it is. I just know how it feels to not be loved and I never want anyone to feel unloved the way I did as a kid. I’m glad I love so deeply. When I love you, I’m one thousand, million percent all about you. Like I will go to war and back for you without hesitation. Do people take advantage of that? Absolutely. My whole life has been a revolving door of people coming and going that I showed intense love for. It hurts ya. But that’s ok. I know that God gave me this heart and this love and I’m not ashamed of it. I feel things so deeply. I cry, a lot. I wear my heart proudly on my sleeve. And I’m happy to show people a love that they might not have ever felt before. Even if it’s not returned back to me. I have hope one day it will be though. I know how I love is rare and can be too much for most people but I wouldn’t change my heart at all, not in a million years would I want to be any other way.

When I look at who I am now, I can see all of it. My creativity, my respect, my imagination, my appreciation for what I have, the way I love. The way I can communicate. My love for music and my desire to keep learning. Those qualities developed because of bad situations I was put through. Others grew as I found my way through something difficult. I can’t separate every part neatly, and I don’t think I need to.

I know people can live through similar circumstances and come away feeling very differently. This is simply how I’m coming to understand my own life. I can wish certain things had been safer and still feel thankful for what I learned. I can acknowledge what hurt without letting it become the only thing I remember.

There are things from my childhood I’m still understanding and trying to heal from, but there are also things I’ve already made peace with, and things I’m grateful for. I love that I’m resourceful. I love that I appreciate what I have. I love my imagination, I love that I’m a nerd! I love that art became such a big part of who I am. And I love my heart and how I treat and love others.

My childhood gave me more than painful things to work through. It gave me memories I treasure, skills I still use, and parts of myself I would never want to lose. When I look back now, I want to be able to see all of it. Because that little girl did more than get through those years. She was becoming me, and I love who she became.