What a beautiful, gloomy morning. The sky is gray, unfortunatly I barely slept so the coffee is extra strong today. It’s Halloween, and my phone has been taking me on a little tour of past versions of myself. Years of costumes, elaborate makeup looks, and outfits I remember putting together with a very clear vision and absolutely no concern about how long they would take.
Some make me smile. Some make me think, Well, I certainly wasn’t shy. But scrolling through them this morning, I realized how much I still love that creative, confident part of myself. I love dressing up. I love feeling beautiful. But being a new Catholic has made me stop and think about that other side of myself.
It has made me think more carefully about how I carry myself. What I share, the attention I invite, and whether my choices reflect the woman I’m becoming. Lately, as I feel my confidence returning, I’ve been thinking about how to welcome it back with a little more wisdom. How to enjoy being seen without depending on it. How to practice humility while still speaking with conviction, setting boundaries, and knowing what I deserve.
Because I want to live confidently as a daughter of God. And I’m learning what that looks like, both online and in the life I return to when I put my phone down.
Becoming Catholic has changed so much about how I want to live. But I’m realizing that I don’t have to become timid to become faithful.
I can love God and have a backbone. I can be kind and speak directly. I can enjoy being a woman, feel beautiful in my clothes, and walk into a room with confidence. I’m still me. My faith is helping me become more thoughtful about what I do with all of that.
Before becoming Catholic, I posted things I wouldn’t share now. Bikini photos, provocative poses, even photos of me in lingerie. Sometimes I look back and cringe a little. I remember the thought that went into those pictures and I can admit that sometimes I wanted the attention as much as I liked the photo.
I don’t need to pretend otherwise. I also don’t need to spend the rest of my life embarrassed by who I used to be. I’ve learned. My values have changed, and I’m allowed to make different choices.
I still love fashion. I love putting together an outfit, finding something that fits beautifully, and feeling good when I leave the house. And yes, I still enjoy feeling sexy. I’ve simply become more protective of that part of myself. There is an intimacy I want to save that part of myself for my man, rather than make available to everyone with an internet connection.
That doesn’t mean getting dressed is suddenly effortless. Sometimes I still stand in front of the mirror wondering whether the neckline is too low or the skirt is too short. I’m learning what feels right for me and how to make choices that respect God, my body, and my conscience.
But I don’t want to turn that process into a constant suspicion of my own beauty. I don’t want to feel guilty every time I like what I see.
I can appreciate the way God made me. I can take care of myself and enjoy my femininity. What I need to watch is what happens inside me when enjoying something becomes needing everyone else to admire it too.
Because there is ego to be careful with. There is pride.
I want a confidence that leaves room for other people. One that can accept correction, admit a mistake, and laugh at itself. I want to feel secure enough that I don’t need to win every exchange or prove I’m the most desirable woman in the room. That kind of confidence feels much more peaceful to me. Because there was a time my ego was huge!! I knew I was the queen, I thought of myself as the hottest girl to ever exist. And, I low-key, kinda still feel that way, but is it wrong to think so highly of yourself? I struggle with having that confidence but also having humility and learning to stay humble.
It also changes how I think about boundaries.
For a long time, I think I confused being loving with being endlessly understanding. If I could see why someone behaved a certain way, I felt I should keep making room for it. If I knew they were hurting, I wanted to show them enough love that they might finally see the good in themselves.
There is something beautiful about seeing goodness in people. But I’ve learned how easily I can get lost in that effort. Especially when I carry my own confidence but someone struggles with having none for themselves. I think that’s why a lot of people have left my life. They see me loving myself so much and it mirrors back to them something they can’t find within themeselves, and then they end up resenting me. Kristina’s conceded, she’s full of herself, she’s so nice that it has to be fake. All statements I’ve been told before. They say someone can’t love you unless they love themselves. True? I’m beginning to think so, just from what I’ve experienced with people who are insecure. I think I come as a threat to them.
But I admit, I’ve spent so much time trying to show someone their worth that I would begin forgetting my own. You become careful with every wound they carry while making excuses for the ones they keep leaving in you.
I don’t want to keep doing that. I’ve learned, and I won’t ever get lost like that again.
I can care about someone deeply without making myself responsible for their healing. I can encourage them, pray for them, and believe they are capable of growth. They still have to choose to participate in that growth and hopefully learn to love themselves. That love will come from loving Jesus.
They don’t have to love themselves perfectly before they can love anyone else. None of us is finished becoming who we’re meant to be. But there has to be a willingness to take responsibility. I can’t supply that willingness for another person.
When I read about Jesus withdrawing to pray, speaking difficult truths, and allowing people to walk away, I’m reminded that love doesn’t require me to say yes to every demand.
I can set boundaries too. This applies to all relationships.
I can say no. I can address something that hurts me. I can decide that a relationship needs more honesty, consistency, and respect than I’m receiving. My faith gives me a reason to take everyone’s dignity seriously, including my own.
And that matters online just as much as it does in person.
Social media is part of my work and my creative life. I love encouraging other artists and photographers. I know what it takes to make something and put it out into the world. I want to support that.
I’m also aware that how I interact with people says something about me. The comments we leave are public. They contribute to the impression we give, just as our words and behavior do when we’re standing in a room with someone. I want my own behavior to reflect the standards I’m asking for in all my relationships. My freinds would never be bullies in anyones comments, talking down to others or being negative. My man would never be showing another woman attention and acting like he’s single. Just as I would never do those things in my friendships and my relationship. It’s called having standards and respect and behaving as God would want us to
My worth is not a group decision. It isn’t determined by my body, my relationship status, or my engagement. I am a daughter of God before I am any of those things.
Learning to love myself through Him has meant taking that seriously in everyday life. Keeping promises to myself. Being honest about what hurts. Making time for the interests and friendships that help me feel alive and letting go of the people who don’t align with my values. Letting prayer bring me back to a steadier understanding of who I am.
And lately, I can feel the difference.
I’m enjoying getting dressed again. Creating again. Saying what I think. Remembering that I have more to offer than how patiently I can wait or how much I can endure. Knowing I still am the queen and I deserve to be treated like one. But a humble, loving, and God fearing queen that moves through life with dignity and grace.
I want to carry that confidence with gratitude. I know I’ll still have moments when my ego needs checking and my intentions need examining. I can bring those to God without handing back every bit of confidence I’ve gained. Because I’m far from perfect.
Looking at those Halloween memories this morning, I can appreciate the creativity and confidence I’ve always had. I can smile at that woman, learn from her, and carry the parts I love forward.
It feels good to recognize myself again. I love who I am and who I’m becoming every day.