I just finished my work for the day, and it’s not even noon yet. The joys of being my own boss. I poured myself a second cup of coffee and I have one of my favorite playlists playing, a mixture of classical and jazz music. I’ve been in really good spirits lately. Actually thinking about trying to pull off this self portrait shoot I’ve been wanting to create after I write this. You can say, my mojo is coming back! I missed that. But I have something on my mind and I have to get it out into words before I go off on my other creative endeavors. What I’ve been thinking a lot about lately is: discernment in our relationships.
Our romantic relationships, our friendships, our relationships with family. The people we love and want to keep close, even when we’re having a hard time understanding what that closeness is doing to us. I’m no expert on discernment. I actually think I suck at it to be completely honest. I’m learning though, and the more I turn to Scripture, the more incredible I find it that God has already given us so much guidance. Things to look for. Things to examine in ourselves. Something to return to when our feelings make it difficult to see clearly. Because feelings can make things very unclear when you care about someone.
You remember the good conversations. The happy memories you made with them. You understand what they’ve been through. You see something beautiful in them, and you want to believe that what you see will eventually become how they live. I don’t know if it’s a problem of mine either, but I hold onto people far too long because I look past them hurting me and I still see the good in them. I want to love them as Jesus does.
But I’m learning to pay attention to how people actually are. How they treat others. How they respond when something doesn’t go their way. Their behavior in real life and online. Whether the things they say are reflected in the things they do. Actions over words. It sounds simple until your heart is involved.
In Matthew 7:16 it says, “You will know them by their fruits.” Where Jesus is warning about false prophets. It’s given me something to think about in my personal relationships: what does a person’s life reveal over time?
Galatians 5 explains what good fruits actually looks like. St. Paul names the fruit of the Spirit as love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness and self control. These are qualities that grow through life in the Holy Spirit.
I find myself slowing down when I read that list. It’s easy to read those words and think they sound beautiful. It takes more honesty to consider what they look like in the relationships we actually have. And whether we’re practicing them ourselves.
Love. I think about whether someone cares for the person in front of them, with real needs and convictions and limitations. Can they respect a decision even when it disappoints them? Do they care about what is good for you, even when it requires something from them? Do I do these things?
Joy. Can you share your happiness freely? Tell them about something good without feeling the need to downplay it? There is something so amazing about people who can be happy with you, who make room for your blessings without turning them into a comparison.
Peace. I’m learning to think about whether there is room for honesty. Can something difficult be brought into the open and worked through? Or does keeping everything peaceful depend on one person never saying what hurts?
Patience. This becomes clearer when plans change, when someone makes a mistake, when life is inconvenient. How do we treat each other then? Is there room to learn and grow?
Kindness. The ordinary moments tell us so much. A considerate response. An effort to understand. How someone speaks to a stranger, or about a person who isn’t there to defend themselves. How they treat you when they’re upset with you. How I treat them when I really just want to punch them in their face. (I’m aggressive sometimes) Again, I’m learning!
Generosity. I think of someone giving their attention, listening without rushing you, making an effort because they care. And being able to give without bringing it up later as something you now owe them for.
Faithfulness. There is comfort in being able to trust someone’s word. Knowing that they will follow through, that their care doesn’t disappear when it becomes inconvenient. That you don’t have to keep wondering where you stand. Am I showing that faithfulness too?
Gentleness. Especially with the vulnerable things we share. Our fears, our past, the parts of ourselves we’re still trying to understand. Can this person hold those things carefully? Can they disagree with us or correct us without making us feel small?
Self-control. What happens when someone is angry or disappointed matters. Can they take responsibility for their response? Can they respect a boundary even when they don’t like it? Can I hold back from wanting to give them a black eye?
These are the kinds of questions I’m learning to ask as I sit with that passage. They help me look at actual behavior instead of getting lost in what I hope someone means.
What happens after an apology? I think this is where discernment can become especially difficult. Someone says they care. They apologize. You have a conversation that feels honest and hopeful, and you want to believe things will be different. Of course you do. You love them.
But I’m learning that it matters what happens afterward. Does the conversation lead to any change? Is there an effort you can actually see? Or do you find yourself having the same conversation again, explaining the same hurt, accepting the same promise?
None of us lives these fruits perfectly. I certainly don’t. We all have moments we regret, and we all need forgiveness. Still, being imperfect and being unwilling to take responsibility are different things. I want to become more attentive to that difference, both in what I accept and in how I respond when someone tells me I’ve hurt them.
The person in front of us. It’s possible to see so much potential in someone that we begin relating to that possibility more than to the person in front of us. I especially do this! I always see the potential instead of what’s actually being presented in front of me. We can picture how things could be. We know how caring they can be in certain moments. We imagine what the relationship would look like if those moments became consistent. And we stay attached to that picture. I know I stay attached way longer than I should. I believe people can change. I believe deeply in what God’s grace can do in a person’s life. I also know that I can’t make someone choose that change no matter how badly I want them to.
We can pray for someone and hope for their growth while still being honest about how they treat us.
Bringing our feelings into prayer. I don’t think every uncomfortable feeling means someone shouldn’t be in our lives. Sometimes being loved well includes hearing a truth we would rather avoid. Sometimes closeness brings up fears we need to work through. An honest conversation may leave us unsettled because it has revealed something in us that needs attention. But I believe that’s how we grow in our relationships. Having those hard conversations.
That’s part of why I need prayer in this. My feelings tell me something deserves attention, but I don’t want to assume I always understand what they mean. I want to leave these worries and concerns to God. I know through prayer He’ll help me, guide me and show me the way. I pray constantly for Him to show me who someone really is and help me either walk away or be patient and don’t give up on them.
Loving someone wisely. I’m also learning that recognizing a problem doesn’t always lead to the same answer. A friendship may need an honest conversation. A family relationship may need firmer boundaries. A dating relationship may need to end. Serious difficulties deserve thoughtful guidance and support. There is care involved in discerning any of those things.
I don’t want to casually declare that someone is “not from God” because a relationship is difficult. There’s always going to be rough patches. Life and our relationships aren’t always going to be sunshine and rainbows. I want to understand what it means to respond faithfully to the relationship in front of me. Sometimes that will require patience. Sometimes courage. Sometimes the willingness to say that something can’t keep happening. Holding back my blows to their face. Forgiveness can be sincere while trust still needs time and consistent action to grow again.
What I think is growing in me is the longer I think about Galatians 5, the more I realize I have to let it examine my own heart. How do people experience me? Am I dependable? Do I listen when someone tells me something I don’t want to hear? Do I respect their boundaries? Does my apology lead to an effort to change?
I want these fruits to be present in the way I love people too.
That’s what I find so beautiful about having Scripture to return to. God has given us something we can keep learning from, something that reaches into the ordinary details of our lives, even the conversations and relationships we’re trying to make sense of over a second cup of coffee.
I’m still learning how to discern. But I’m grateful that I have somewhere to begin. Pay attention to how you are and how people are. Give their actions the weight they deserve. Give yourself some grace. And ask God for the honesty to recognize what is growing in your relationships, as well as what needs to grow in you.
Lord, help me see clearly and love wisely. Give me patience where it is needed, courage where something needs to change, and humility when the change needs to begin with me. Let the fruit of Your Spirit grow in my life. Amen.