Have I Gotten Too Good at Being Alone?

A rare, rainy, Southern California night. I just poured myself a glass of wine. A cheddar and broccoli soup is simmering on the stove. Filling my house with the comforting and cozy scent I’ve missed after a brutally warm summer. Is this the perfect evening? To me, yes. Would it be better enjoying it with someone else? Ehh… maybe. This very thought makes me stop and think…. is enjoying my own company than spending it with someone else a problem? Have I become so use to doing everything alone that I actually prefer it? I’m inspired to write about it! So here are my thoughts.

I genuinely love my own company. I like doing things by myself, taking my time, changing my plans without having to explain. Silence feels comfortable to me. I can spend a whole day alone taking photos, writing, making something, and go to bed feeling like I had a really good day.

I think I’ve gotten pretty good at it. But have I gotten so used to being alone that I sometimes push people away?

When you enjoy the way your life feels on your own, making room for someone can feel like a lot. There’s another schedule to consider, another opinion, the possibility of being misunderstood. Alone, I know what to expect. I can settle into my little routines and stay there quite happily.

And sometimes I wonder how often I choose that familiarity before giving something else a chance. I’ve never been the type to initiate plans with anyone really. Saves me from being disappointed if they cancel or aren’t excited about whatever it is we’re doing.

I don’t always know where enjoying my solitude ends and protecting myself begins. When I turn down an invitation, do I actually want an evening to myself? Or would I rather avoid the awkwardness of getting to know someone? When I tell myself I don’t need anyone, am I feeling content, or trying to get ahead of the possibility that they won’t be there?

I can love being alone and still be honest about those questions.

There’s a freedom in no longer needing constant attention to feel good about myself. I don’t want to give that up. But I also don’t want to become so attached to doing everything my way that I leave very little room for anyone to get close. People take time. Friendships take effort. Being known means letting someone see me on a day when I don’t have everything neatly figured out.

I’ve also been disappointed by enough people that letting someone get close doesn’t always come easily. People come and go, sometimes after making me believe they would stay. And I’m the one left figuring out how to feel okay again. Through all of it, I’ve always had myself. I know I’ll find a way through, even when it hurts. So that’s who I trust. There’s comfort in that, but I wonder if I sometimes pull away before someone has given me a reason to. I tend to sabotage the relationship before it even has a chance to bloom in fear that they’re just going to disappoint me eventually so I might as well pull away now before they do. I don’t want to keep expecting the same disappointment from every new person. I just know how much it takes out of me to start trusting again.

And then there’s my anxiety. It can show up when I least expect it. Too many people, a crowded room, suddenly feeling like the attention is on me. I can be enjoying myself one moment and wanting to leave the next. Part of what scares me is having that happen in front of other people. Will they notice? Will I have to explain why I’ve gone quiet or why I suddenly need to step outside? Sometimes it feels easier to stay home, where I don’t have to worry about being seen that way. So I hide. And because I genuinely enjoy being alone, it’s easy to tell myself that’s all it is. But sometimes I do want to go. I do want the company. I’m just afraid of feeling overwhelmed once I’m there. I want to be honest with myself about those moments, and let the people I trust know a little more about what’s happening instead of feeling like I have to disappear.

My time alone with God helps me look at that more honestly. In prayer, I can admit that I’m happy and still afraid of being hurt. That I want connection but sometimes resist what it asks of me. I ask Him to help me recognize when I need quiet and when I could stand to open the door a little.

I don’t think every invitation needs a yes. I don’t think every quiet season needs to be filled. But I want to notice when I’m dismissing something I might actually enjoy, simply because staying home feels easier.

Maybe that means letting a friend interrupt my routine. Inviting someone along instead of assuming I’d rather go alone. Giving a new connection enough time to become comfortable.

I love the life I get to have in my own company. I just want to stay open to the people I might love having beside me, too.

Life! Ahh. Putting my thoughts into words helps so much. I missed writing. The wine is also kicking in and maybe I’m sharing a little too much but I always hope that whatever it is I share, it can help someone in some way. Maybe that’s my way of connecting with others without actually being around anyone. Who knows….

So now there’s a pot of soup on the stove, and I’m wondering if I should invite someone over to share it or enjoy another quiet evening on my own terms. I’m praying God helps me recognize when I need time to myself and when I’m hiding. Maybe tonight I’ll make a little room for someone. I haven’t decided yet. But the soup sure smells amazing.